It's almost midnight here in sunny San Diego and as usual, I'm awake and tired. Ask me why I'm not in bed??? Bad habits are hard to break! I'm trying...and hopefully sooner, rather than later, I'll be able to go to bed at a normal time. But alas, today i'm not writing about sleeping, today it's about my heart...
So, years ago, I had a panic attack...I thought I was going to DIE! The back of my head was pounding, my chest felt like it was going to explode, my heart was racing, I had shortness of breath...and to top it off, the more i thought about it, the more i felt like i was going to die on the spot. I was at work, it was a Tuesday or Thursday about a week or so before i was to be married...I think i freaked out and began panicking. Not to say i was having second thoughts...just the stress of being married now and having another person in my life to look after, my wife to be. Mind you, I think my wife perfectly capable of taking care of herself, but i take it upon myself to make sure she is and don't feel comfortable until i know she is okay and happy. After this incident and after my marriage, i never had another panic attack. Fast forward to Dec 13th 2010...
It's monday, I arrive to the job, and before i know it, while checking my email...my heart skips a beat...okay, nothing to worry about...but then another, and another...i start to pay attention, and it subsides. Two minutes later, there it is again, and again...shit now i'm paying attention. There it is, again, okay, again...now i'm checking my pulse...and i feel it...pump, pump, pump, pump, skip...pump, pump, pump, skip...pump, pump, skip....now i'm officially freaked out! I get on the phone to my health care provider, "i think i'm having an arrythmia, but i don't know why or what would have caused it." I make an appointment for later in the day...i continue with my business...checking email, responding, setting up meetings, etc...and i become more aware of the skipped beat...shit!!!! I can't wait until later in the day, I need to see a doctor now...full on freaked out mode.
I walk to the doc's office. On my way there, i feel like my heart is just stopping, i have to stop so i don't fall over...shit, there is something really wrong with my heart...i hope i'm not dying, please don't let me die, not today god, not with my wife pregnant, my closing on the house this week, my finishing my masters and my phd, not today please...please don't let it be anything serious...please let it be my anxiety.
The doc gives me an ekg, my heart is normal...working just fine. he did suggest that i go see my primary care doc and ask for an event monitor to have me thoroughly checked out. He tests me two times, both times, the ekg is normal...I leave the doc's office with the same worry...now waiting for my appt later in the day with the primary care physician.
The day goes by, slow as all getup, i'm in tune with my body my heart skipping, trying to focus on my work...i'm dying and i can't say anything to anyone...god i hope it's just my anxiety. Time's here, i run out the door, but not too fast cuz otherwise i lose my breath and my heart skips a beat. I slow my pace and make my way to my bike. I get to the doc's office, my wife meets me there...
I see the doc, he checks me out...lungs...normal...heart....normal. He says everything is kosh, but to be safe, ekg first and then go from there. I get the ekg done...4 readings and one did include the skip in my heart, at least it felt that way. they send me back to my room, doc needs to check the ekg. "Good news...your heart is perfectly fine!" WTF!!!! Then why is it skipping a beat?!?!? Why am i feeling this way? Why does my chest hurt when i breathe? Why do i feel like my lungs are not expanding? like i'm not breathing in any air? and why the fuck is my heart still skipping????? Of course, he doesn't know, but he's going to have me do an event monitor to record me for a week? or 48hrs? I feel better, momentarily...my heart is fine...it's all in my head...the skips are all in my head...i'm fine...i'm okay...my heart is fine...then why the fuck is it still skipping a beat?????
Call the cardio dept in two days for the event monitor, the doc says, they'll get you all straightened out and see if this is nothing to worry about...but for now...i wouldn't worry too much...
Great! I'm perfectly fine...just great!
My wife and i eat dinner, we go to our first baby class, she's due in june. while i'm there, i actually feel better. i don't think about my heart, it's not skipping any beats, i think it is my anxiety getting the better of me. We get out, my heart starts to race again, we are walking, my heart starts to skip a beat...shit....it's back! Why?!?! This SUCKS!
I'm at home now, so i decide to go online and see what the wise ol' internet has to say about skipped beats and normal ekgs...Everything, and i do mean everything i found....ANXIETY/PANIC ATTACK! Fuck...why now? Is it the house? is it my wife's pregnancy? Is it my masters' thesis? My phd work? what?and why now? I think it is...but i just wish i had more control of it...and was less stressed about it all. I'm happy about all of these things, it may just be a bit too much for me to handle...serenity now....please god, please.
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